April 2nd, 2006

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September 21st, 2005

08:27 pm - how long can you stand the heat I suppose this one is for Jeff, Chris, random friends of Laura...all of my LJ fans whom I'm sure miss my incessant babbling in this thing. I'm honestly so bored right now. I could be lounged out on the couch watching Cruel Intentions, but it's on TV so all of the racy parts are edited out. That just takes out all of the fun. And, I figured, maybe typing out all of my current thoughts and feelings would make me feel better. I've been writing in my journal a lot, so I can feel like I'm not cheating on it with my livejournal. And yes, I actually do sometimes think my real journal has feelings and gets jealous that I'm venting to a fake one on the internet. Leave me alone. I'm crazy. Now that I'm a few weeks into school, I've worked myself into a routine. It's nice. Very different from last year, but I'm getting used to it. None of my major electronics are broken, which absolutely shocks me. I did accidentally throw away the USB cord for my printer, sooo that's not really working out for me yet. My bed is absolutely glorious. It's hard to get out of it in the morning, and doing any reading in it is absolutely out of the question. Too often I wake up to see I'm cuddling with my Art History book. I figure if I'm going to be cuddling anything that's not a beautiful man, it should be a book. But I do end up dreaming about David paintings a lot...hmmm... I'm not seeing the girls as much this year, obviously. It's nice to be on my own, but I also miss having them around all the time. I miss raiding their closets, Sunday brunches, dance parties, and our girly nights. We'd watch S&TC, blast Celine Dion, and talk shit about guys. I've met up with them a few times to study out in the Diag or at Espresso Royale, but we spend most of our time gossiping when we meet to "study". Karin and I spend a good chunk of Sunday laying out in the Law Quad together. My favorite part of campus, one of my best friends here, and some quality literature...beautiful. I've noticed a pattern when I get drunk and wander Ann Arbor. I focus on two groups of people. My 5th Fisher girls, and the Linden Boys. If I'm with one group, I'm calling the other everytime I change location. Gilan seriously gets about ten calls from me on average every Saturday night. He says he doesn't mind, but most of them are me screaming something that makes absolutely no sense. Exp: "OK I'M ON GREENWOOD. WHAHAAAA A CAR IS COMING! AMANDA WHAT THE FUCK? SLOW DOWN! (click)" Sometimes it's the other way around, and I'm calling and screaming at Amanda or Katy. They're usually the only ones who are sober enough to remember my name and their location when I'm calling them after midnight. I'm the Mom again this year. I really don't mind. I've spent a few nights completely sober, and it's not that bad. One night two weekends ago I didn't touch a beer and took part in the wildest dance party I think I've ever been involved with. I was waaay over yonder across campus on Fourth street, in the 3rd Butler house, in the unfinished basement, right next to the speakers, dancing like my life depended on it. Oh baby. I rocked that shit. On a side note, 3rd Butler went down in history last year as the worst hall in Markley. They had more people get kicked out, get MIPs, and get written up than any hall in Markley. Now, you figure Markley's the craziest dorm on campus. It really is. No one can argue that any others are, except for maybe Bursley, but they just suck and are stuck up in the North Pole. So, you figure, 3rd Butler probably was the worst hall in all of the U of M dorms last year. I believe it. And the wildest of them all, was Neal, aka: TAD SEXINGTON. He stole kegs from parties, threw them in his trunk, and tried to bring them through the front doors of Markley. He lit off firecrackers in the hall. He got hammered and took everything that was glass in his room and hurled it at the door. When DPS knocked to see what was up, he answered the door by saying "I'm sorry for throwing all the glass. I'm going to bed.", took his arm and swept all the glass that was in the hall into his room, and slammed the door. These are just a few examples. I could continue. I'm willing to guess that Tad Sexington is the most out of control kid I've ever met. And I love him dearly. Anyhow, Amanda and I got lost for awhile, but we found the 3B house. I found the basement and the dancing. Neal and Justin were right in the middle, both completely blacked out and jumping around like monkeys. I don't know if monkeys jump a lot, but it sounds right. Neal's favorite thing that night was picking me up. Mind you, I was in Amanda's miniskirt. Jean Abercrombie miniskirt. It's already an open invitation to stare at my ass, but when you have a druken fool throwing you over your shoulder every 10 minutes, you pretty much are flashing the entire party. Had I been drunkity drunk drunk, it wouldn't have been so traumatic. Nahhh. I guess not. It wasn't so traumatic. I'm comfortable with my body, and everyone was too trashed to really have noticed. The first time I got scared out of my mind and started slapping Amanda in the face while screaming 'HELP ME HELP ME'. He dropped me on my back which kind of sucked. But he apologized a few billion times and 5 minutes later we were singing "Baba O'Riley" at each other at top volume. The next time he picked me up he threw me onto the washing machine and called me 'sassy'. That's a new one... There I was, in a Lacoste polo and a slutty miniskirt, covered in beer, dirt and sweat...and I was completely sober. Only me, right? That night was magnificent. I ended up driving Andy's Jetta across campus and walking home with Rob. When we got into the Diag he told me if I ran through the sprinklers, he would too. Psh. The boy doesn't know who he's messing with. I was already covered in shit, so I went for it. "I'm wearing LOAFERS, WOMAN!" When I walked into my house I got a lot of interesting looks from my roommates. The next morning I found a footprint on my lower back and a leaf in my hair. Iy. The party scene has been alive and thriving. I could continue with a ton of random drunken stories, but I've got to watch myself. My roommates are awesome. I love them and hate them all at the same time. We've all given each other nicknames. Jeff is Crest because he's always brushing his teeth. Dan is Commando because he never wears underwear. I, however, am Slutty Mc-suck-a-dick. Now do you understand the hatred? I don't think I've earned that nickname. I told them that I'm going to take the classy approach to being single and lonely and I'm not going to sleep with anyone. They just laughed. I'll show them. I CAN BE A GOOD GIRL! They also call me the Food Nazi because I'm always yelling at them to do their dishes and not steal my food. I steal their food all the time, so I'm basically a huge asshole. Mwahaha. Last night we all made friends with Dan's hookah. I had a solo dance party in my room, grabbed a hairbrush to sing into, and went buckwild. Ryan and Jon just stared at me and cracked up. Nicoles comment was "No more hookah for Becca". Alright. Time to end this entry. There is much more to be dicussed. I got a new job. I picked out a study abroad program. I'm going to Germany for 9 months, so you should all be nice to me NOW. I'm going to major in German and never have a career. Whatever. I'm happy. I'll find a way to perservere and kick all your asses. BIATCH. CHANTICLEER! OCTOBER 7TH! MOLLY AND I KIDNAP FRASER! BE THERE! It's homework time. Or I go be completely unproductive and fall over face first on the couch. Oh I'm all over that last option. Hurry up and get here. I miss you. Current Mood: horny Current Music: queen-another one bites the dust

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September 3rd, 2005

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August 22nd, 2005

01:30 am - let me count the ways "The butterfly in reverse here is me" I can't help but worry. And since this is the only outlet that seems to work for me anymore, it will have to suffice. I guess I'm in pain. I guess this is me reaching out. I can't write in my journal anymore. I waver between too many words to choose from and too few. Too many of them will attack me all at once, overwhelm my senses, and then rush out of me all over again, only to fade to black. I am stuck there, chewing on my pen, wondering where the time is going without me. It's always come to me naturally. I can't remember a time where I've ever been at a loss for words. For fifteen years now, I have been filled with far too many of them. I find words beautiful, and as I am with anything I find truly beautiful, I long to share them with the rest of the world. Now I feel as if I'm losing touch with that. This has never happened to me. So much of this is new. For the first time in my life, I have made myself vulnerable. I have opened myself up to someone, and I have no idea where it's going to take me. My instincts and my feelings reassure me that this is for the best. This is good. This is right. There have to be reasons that he and I have come to this. None of this is chance. I will never know how all of this happened, but I long to know why it has...more than I ever have for anything. I can't sleep. I can't write. I can hardly eat. I can only be for him. I want to strip myself of my identity and put his well-being before my own. Step out of my skin, I guess, and follow him around, insisting that the cosmos allign just so. Anything to make sure that he is nothing but completely content. I guess this is the first time I've found something really worth living for. The world is a more radiant and extraordinary thing. Something as simple as the falling of a leaf can pull my heart in ways I never imagined it could. Everything is so pregnant with possibility. I feel as if about to burst each moment that I am awake. My dreams are even more torturous. My emotions are spilling out of me uncontrollably, and they are made so much more intense each day that goes by. My happiness is nothing short of pure elation, but my sadness is agonizing and all-consuming. Both confuse me and worry me. I have never felt this. These thoughts, these feelings, this way of life is so sudden and frightening. I feel as if I'm half a person, wandering through this world miserably incomplete. My thoughts and my feelings are no longer solely mine. I am sharing them with another. I don't mind. That's all I ever want to do anymore. Our silence is the melody. The distance is the harmony. I love you. Current Mood: lonely Current Music: faure - pavane op.50

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August 18th, 2005

03:31 pm - 5 foot 9. She's got legs for days. TRICK LOVE THE KIDS Dear Ann Arbor, Soon, my darling. Soon. Love, Rebecca, your #1 sex slave Every so often, as I am beginning an entry, I feel as if nothing new or exciting has happened in my life. ... And, I've come to realize, that is probably the stupidest thing I could possibly think. That never ever happens. I don't necessarily think my life is really more exciting than everyone elses, but I do think it's how I present it. It could also be how I choose to be living. More dramatically, for example. Really the majority of this journal is me babbling on about nonsense. The humble side of me will never fully understand why so many people adore it. But then again, that humble side of me barely exists. I'm going to stop analyzing my love affair with my Livejournal now. 12 days and I move in to my little brown house. That's a guess, really. My parents are focusing on getting Laura out of the house right now. 26th & 27th - MSU's Welcome Week 28th - Tori Amos concert 29th - pack up 30th - begin carting all my scheisse to AA Classes begin on the 6th, so that gives me a good long time to wreck havoc on Ann Arbor and all of my friends. This year, I'll really know what I'm doing. That thought should strick fear in the hearts of all of you. Be afraid. Mwahaha. You are all invited to come take part in all of the festivities I'm SURE my housemates are planning. We have nice big leather couches, and if I like you, I may even offer to share my bed. I'll go over my housemates now. Some of them I know very little about. Some of them I know way too much about. Hmm... RUBEN - The last time I crashed in Ruben's room, I found a bumper sticker. 'Roses are red. Violets are blue. I want to put my penis in you.' That about sums up Ruben. I love the kid. And if I get sick of our house, I'll go camp out in his Durango. I love his car. It's an experience. Ruben will be my fellow choir nerd in the house. He'll also keep me connected to all of my Glee Club friends. RYAN - One of the sweetest guys I know, and my sister's ex-boyfriend. He'll be the one who helps me keep the house clean, I'm sure. I'm really excited to live with him. I can steal from his massive DVD collection, and maybe watch Boondock Saints straight through. He also guarantees frequent visits from Jason and Kyle. I just hope he can get used to me walking around in my underwear. Not up for negotiation. Clothes are too confining. JEFF - from West Bloomfield. He's really your essential, ultra-chill Jewish guy. You know the type. He's in a frat, and the last time I saw him he was wearing a Michigan Cheerleading shirt because of it. I have no idea... His older sister lived with Ruben in the house last year, in the attic. Now he's got the attic. And I guess half of the furniture in the house is from his family. Everyone tells me he's a very cool kid. Huzzah. NICOLE - from West Bloomfield. She's basically the Anti-Becca. Very chill, very sweet, and devoid of any drama. As the only other female in the house, this works out perfectly for me. I'll be the one with the raging hormones, and she'll be there to remind the guys that all females are not that emotionally unhinged. She's going to be a Chemistry major. On my list of majors that I would never, ever consider, Chemistry is probably numero uno. I'm sure we're going to work out just fine. People like that absolutely amaze me. I can't understand them, but I sure as hell respect them. DAN - from West Bloomfield. I've heard rumors about this Dan character, and I started hearing them long before I knew he was going to be living in a house with me. He lit a trash can in Couzens on fire from a discarded blunt and got kicked out. He lived in an apartment for the rest of the year. I also know he gets drunk and gets naked...a lot. Hey. I can't really knock that. I automatically assumed he was some ridiculous idiot, but I couldn't help but really like him when we first met. He's very fast-paced and articulate, and I can tell he's an intelligent guy. I love it. I also kind of like the idea of having a raging partier in the house. Just as long as nothing of mine gets broken or stolen, and I get my sleep and my necessary alone time, I'm cool with whatever. He's also two floors away from me. CHRIS - from Boston. He is, of course, a Red Sox fan. Score. The one time I talked to him, I had to drag the words out of him. Hopefully I won't be that intimidating the whole year. He was Dan's best friend all of last year, and he and Dan will be the two in the basement. They plan on always having a keg. I guess he's really into sports. I think all of the guys in the house are. Maybe I'll learn a little bit about football, eh? JOHN - from Long Island. I've hardly talked to him at all, but he seemed to be a pretty laid-back guy. He hated his living arrangements last year, and wanted to live with guys who are into working out, throwing around a football, other jock stuff, blah blah. Ruben assured me a few hundred times that I'm going to really like him. I'm sure I will. JAKE - from East Lansing. He will be sharing the big room with Ryan, and I had no idea he was living with us up until a few minutes ago...literally. I guess he tried to get into an art school out in New York, but that fell through. So he's with us. Two artists stuck together in the room down the hall from me. Oh my. I saw him a few times when he visited Markley with Ryan and he seems ok. I trust Ryan. Don't know if I should, but I do. TaeKwanChow: becca....do i have to remind you that you will be the house matriarch? SylviaAmsterdam: how scary is that? THIS IS RIDICULOUS That's it. The haphazard 9. Becca and a bunch of guys who loves sports, cheap beer, and Maxim. I am so, so excited. I'm sure there are going to be things that I'm going to hate about it, but I have a feeling it'll work out really well. I can't wait to go raid all of their closets. I already know I can count on Ruben or Ryan for absolutely anything, and hopefully I can bond with everyone else the same way. Right next door to us we've got half of the guys who lived down the hall from me all last year. The 5th Scott Pirates. I've got DamnSexyJew, Wheatless Wonder, and Doody all next door! I love those kids! They were in my room all the time! WEEEE!!! Alright, I'll calm down now. I just cannot wait to attack Ann Arbor as a sophomore. This year, no more frats, no more getting lost, and I'll have 5 times as many people to visit. It will feel so good to be social again. Karin and I are gonna put on '4 My People', get some Captain & Diet Coke, try on at least 10 outfits each, and it'll all feel better. Nicki just called and offered to go work for me. I SHOULD work, but am I going to? No thank you. I guess I'm gonna go out to eat with Mom, Earl and Laura. Then perhaps go visit the grandparents. Then, tentative plans to go play in Baltus's pool with Ben, Kelly, and Baltus. KELLLYYY! MY LOVE! I want to hear all about how Kelly took on DC and how his quest for world domination is going. The last time I saw him he was dancing around in his new suitcoat. ... I just realized that half of my friends this year are going to be seniors. Literally half of them. And then they graduate and go get real jobs or go to grad school far, far away. That just makes me incredibly sad. Who the hell am I gonna hang out with? I'll just spend ALL of my free time studying for the LSATs. Yes. What a fun plan. I'm leaving a large part of my life out of this entry. Rather, someone who has become a huge part of my life. I'm going to be vague for now until I figure out all of the details. But it has made the world that much more beautiful for me...and that ain't bad. I need to party my ass off. And soon. This is for my people, my party people This is for my people, my motherfucking people C'mon, c'mon, get down, get, get on down Current Mood: giddy Current Music: the roots-seed 2.0

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August 9th, 2005

04:19 pm - "So, we just walked on stage, picked out a random key, and went from there..." SylviaAmsterdam: I miss Mary SylviaAmsterdam: I've been thinking about her a lot lately RoxyK211: really? SylviaAmsterdam: I was just thinking SylviaAmsterdam: about how goddamn much of high school she and I spent together SylviaAmsterdam: like, over half of it RoxyK211: yeah RoxyK211: i loved our nap SylviaAmsterdam: what nap? RoxyK211: when we said 'im seepies' in 3 languages SylviaAmsterdam: oh yea in her basement? RoxyK211: yeah SylviaAmsterdam: see? memories like that RoxyK211: totally SylviaAmsterdam: and the orgies backstage SylviaAmsterdam: S'nade jokes RoxyK211: haha little innocent mary SylviaAmsterdam: driving to and from festivals RoxyK211: omg she always drove to festivals SylviaAmsterdam: and we listened to 80's music and sang along SylviaAmsterdam: with the windows down RoxyK211: haha yeah RoxyK211: in our choir dresses MARY, WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU GONE? I miss harmonizing with you. And getting naked with you at cast parties. And skinny-dipping. Really, I just miss how you and I were both such lesbians who were obsessed with music. I miss your boobs too. SylviaAmsterdam: "WHO BRINGS A HUMMER TO A PARTY? LET'S TAP DANCE ON IT!" RoxyK211: EXACTLY Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: billy joel-and so it goes

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August 8th, 2005

07:04 pm - to love and be loved in return I'm at my uncle's house in Maryland, and I just looked down at my khakis. Blackberry juice. A big ol' splotch of it. I enjoy fragments. And being accident prone. "You know, I'm sure a lot of people are interested in YOUR PANTS" - my cousin Spence I love these khakis. SHIT. This is comparable to the incident at the Linden Boys house when I was wearing Karin's shirt and did the same thing. Cept I was drunk, straight flipped out, and put like half a bottle of stain-off goo on myself. And then I lost one of Lisa's earrings. The next night I ripped my polo on a pool table. Once again, SHIT. This weekend has been marvelous. Yesterday I spent the better part of the day ripping apart Georgetown. I did some damage and befriended the saxophonist outside of JCrew. I really wanted to spend half of the day shopping and then later on swing over to the National Gallery. Dad, Laura and I only got through half of it last Thanksgiving. But time got away from me, as it always seems to. I feel superficial and silly. Who goes to DC and spends their one free day shopping? I did get a lot of clothes. And more underwear. Ah well. Last night we got a private room at some French place called La Bergerie. I think I could die happy if I got a great French meal before doing so. Escargot, Norwegian salmon, and creme brulee. Hallelujah. I felt like Amelie when I cracked the top of my creme brulee. My aunts fawned all over me, a bunch of people gave speeches, and I got teary a few times. The waiters kept trying to pour me wine, but every time I got a nasty look across the table from my mother. We eventually spent over $400 on wine. Soo... Oh, on that note. My great-grandma has now started hanging out at biker bars. The alcoholic one who gambles and is immortal. Great. Like life could get any weirder, right? Today we took a gigantic yacht down the Potomac. My grandparents renewed their vows and I openly wept. I was a mess. Then I had a bit too much champagne and fell asleep sprawled across a couch in a string bikini. Only me, as my mother says. Now we're at my Uncle Dan's house, and I'm sitting here in his little lair staring at a gigantic Mac. I am surrounded with people who love me, and whom I love. At certain moments I am almost positive that I'm about to burst. It's too much for a sap like me. Our first night here we all met at Tom & Diane's (my step-mom's mother and step-father, and where we are staying) for dinner. I just sat there and watched people. I watched the way my aunts move and how they smile, how my Uncle Dan's face lights up when he talks about Ann Arbor, how my grandma blushes, how Jimmy deals with younger children... Sometimes I wonder how it would be to clone myself, and then sit back and watch. And I guess that's the closest I'll ever get. I sat back and watched my blood moving and mingling, and it almost brought me to tears. I have been blessed. I really have been. Ok, well, time to go spend time with these incredible people. Comin' home tomorrow. I miss the hours we spend together. I really, really do. It's like I'm not complete without your words... "We just belong in Ann Arbor. And then we all move to San Fransisco. Just what you do when you're a Patterson." -Uncle Dan Current Mood: touched Current Music: luscious jackson-naked eye

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July 23rd, 2005

01:26 am - I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music. Well. i'm aching for summer to be over. Also, this whole 'i' key not working thing is really getting annoying. My brilliant mother can't find the paperwork from Best Buy. And, i'm not really being proactive. i do need to get this fixed before school. i can't very well write essays this way. it takes me long enough as is, considering i'm such a damn perfectionist. Things are changing quickly 'round hurr. Our new ultra-conservative pastor informed my mother and her boyfriend Earl that because they are living together out of wedlock, that they are no longer welcome to partake in all of the music at church. My mom's frequent solos and Earl's guitar during all of the contemporary services...no more. You DO NOT keep my mother from her music. And you don't do it with the excuse that "the Bible must be taken literally". Women wouldn't be allowed to speak out at church at all if we all went in that direction. And there would be slavery, and bull sacrifices, and other stuff...like that... Sure, in other churches this might be permissable, but we're Methodist! We're the crazy liberals who really allow anything! My mom shot off a few e-mails to some of the more powerful people in our church, and they were all outraged. But, the board that had the final say gave in to "our" pastor, who whipped out some scriptures and threatened that he'd leave. My own grandfather's on that board, and the next day he let my mom know all that had happened. He may agree that living together out of wedlock is wrong, but in the end he stood for his daughter's happiness. i do love my family. So, yesterday, my mom and Earl decided that they're done with our church. My mother's been going to that church her entire life. She's given so much to it. it's where i spent a great deal of my childhood, and where i met my best friend, Lizzy. Her departure, i'm sure, will not sit well with anyone in the congregation. This only happened a few days ago, so most of the feedback hasn't hit us yet. My mom sure has been on the phone a lot though. But in the end, love won over all. My mom's crazy in love with Earl, and it almost makes me sick sometimes. Maybe we'll find a new church. Maybe we'll just become those crazy non-religious people. Who the hell knows. Enough has changed in the last year. Watch. i'll come home and my mom'll be Mormon. Also, after an intense discussion, i found out how much of a douchebag my mom's boss is. i'm not allowed to go on her company canoe trip tomorrow because she knows i'll say something. Something probably inappropriate. i haven't met her boss yet, but i know he owes her, LEGALLY owes her, $5,000, and he's just a sexist assface who's not paying up. GAHHHH. Now, as i only operate selfishly, i'm thinking about how that money could help me out. And i decide that it probably could a lot. So, i'm pissed. And i'm not one to really keep my mouth shut when i'm angry. Therefore, no meeting my mom's boss in the near future. Hopefully she'll just get a new job and his company will completely bomb and he'll end up a bum. Ahhh! i'm really not that mean! Maybe he can just get herpes or something! i'm going crazy. i had a rough night at work. My boss stuck me with a shitty section, which i'm sure he later regretted. You're supposed to get your sections depending on the order you come in. Well, that didn't happen, he just threw me randomly somewhere, so i decided i'd try to be flexible. Well, that backfired. my boss is a pretty cool guy, and i can be open with him. So i made it fairly clear that i was not a happy Boo. And he was cool about it. i got a group of 10 really grumpy old people. i then draped myself across the ice tea thing and moaned about how i wanted to go kill myself with the can opener. Me? Drama? What? Last night one of the cooks begged me to be able to smack my ass. i reminded him, while giggling, about sexual harassment. Oy veh. Later, we were both putting gas in our car in the station next to work, and he came out with a rose for me. So i've got random Mexican cooks buying me flowers. Great. Everything i've always wanted. Other than work, i've been umm... -reading Harry Potter -sleeping -eating Scooby Doo mac & cheese -buying random things ($3 t-shirts, computer speakers, candles, more lotion, etc.) -fighting with Laura for being a dirty pirate hooker and stealing my clothes ALL the time. Die, you, die. Oh. i went to the Gavin Degraw concert with Sarah. We met Gavin Degraw and Sarah gave him her number. But i wanted to get home asap so i could sit around naked and talk to my new favorite random online guy. He's mysterious. Ok. More of that later. Maybe if you're all good. Gavin did end up calling Sarah. They madeout in his hotel room. My friends party with rockstars. Next night i went to Ani Difranco with Tina. We sat far, far away from each other on the blanket so as not to look like lesbians. Mmmmm. Ani. Tina and i have been tight since our first summer at Blue Lake, after 7th grade. That's so weird. i've known the girl so long. We've decided to stalk Kevin, the gorgeous cellist who we both spent a few sessions with. No one knows where he is now, and facebook's not helping. i also hit up the Ann Arbor Art Fair with the family. it's so different going there after my first year. i know my way around now. i kept running into poles, though. AND i got 3 hats, 2 pairs of gloves, and a t-shirt at Urban all for $8. yaaaaa Oh yea. Laura got into State. Ew. As John says, that just makes all too much sense. My sister is now a dirty Spartan. This also means i get to bring Cory, the Ghetto Contour of Doom with me to Ann Arbor. Having mixed feelings about that... i'm still not as happy as i normally am. i'm my happiest when i'm busy. Here, i am not so busy. i think the highlight of my day today was riding past the house in my neighborhood that Seth is working on and screaming out the window at him. And honestly, Seth really isn't all that exciting. i just enjoy screaming. Okokok. He WAS shirtless. it's just the feeling that i am so incredibly alone at this point in my life. My mom's all about her current struggles. My dad won't shut up about me finding my dream man. My sister is a nasty sack of stupid. My best friends are all askew. That was a really bad word to use but i'm at a loss really. God seems to be on vacation. Also, figuring out what to do with my life might help. i am going to learn mandolin and sit on a New York street corner and just talk to random people. That sounds like bliss, actually. SylviaAmsterdam: i got really really wasted at his house once eburgie23: I was there once when you arrived at his house really really wasted. was this different? SylviaAmsterdam: not at all SylviaAmsterdam: when i kept knocking over the hookah? eburgie23: hahahha yeah SylviaAmsterdam: seriously, that was not my fault eburgie23: you must have knocked that thing over like 10 times eburgie23: hahahaha i should start writing music again. Or unpack the rest of my books. Or finish my quilt. Or volunteer for the blind. Dammit. Learn to cook. That one's the most logical. i hate cooking. i want autumn to come. i want to pull out all my turtleneck cashmere sweaters, go to the cidermill, and watch the leaves fall in the Diag. Ah well. Mustn't rush time. it's too precious a thing. Wow. Longest LJ in awhile. Because my mysterious online friend is not here to distract me. Wow my life is so thoroughly unexciting. i apologize for letting you all down. 'You need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star.' Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: the miles davis quintet-my funny valentine

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July 16th, 2005

02:22 am - i speak to you in clips and phrases on "extreme" camping, and finding a way to bring the alcohol... Kahle89: i'm gonna get a radio flier... and put offroad tires on it... and stock it with beer SylviaAmsterdam: i would pay to see that i think Kahle89: do you think they'd let us take it? Kahle89: we could melt the bottles in our camp fire... and blow them into flasks.... and then store rainwater in them SylviaAmsterdam: wow seth what a creative and realistic idea Kahle89: its realistic for me SylviaAmsterdam: go forth and conquer SylviaAmsterdam: you manly man Kahle89: come with us SylviaAmsterdam: ha on a year ago... SylviaAmsterdam: three nights later i was in a bed with you in ann arbor SylviaAmsterdam: destroying your ankle Kahle89: ooooooohhhh Kahle89: yeap, its still a nasty scar Kahle89: i'll always remember that night, just because of that SylviaAmsterdam: i like to leave memories... SylviaAmsterdam: i hope not JUST because of that Kahle89: well, i'm saying.... its one thing i'll aways remember just because of the scar.... i forgot a lot of shit in the past few years... i drink too much SylviaAmsterdam: well SylviaAmsterdam: i guess i'm flattered SylviaAmsterdam: we do have an interesting tale SylviaAmsterdam: but i suppose that's common for people like us Kahle89: yes, yes it is it really has been a year. i am completely amazed. our romance may have been short-lived, but it was memorable. i guess that's all i can ask for. how far i've come... i am so lonely where is he? Current Mood: loved Current Music: turandot-nessun dorma

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July 13th, 2005

03:13 pm - sugar, we're goin down This is my plan for next school year... -5 classes, 17 credits. Philosophy, Art History, Musicology, German and French. so no "real" classes, and all classes i can easily get A's in. i do well with that liberal artsy stuff. and nothing involving numbers. hallelujah. give me big complicated papers, please. -job at some restaurant, hopefully still waitressing. this all depends on whether or not i'm going to have a car. hopefully i'll work 4 or 5 nights a week, and have absolutely no time to do my homework. oh well. i'll still be making money, so i can afford to buy my books that i'll have no time to study out of. c'est la vie. -an ACAPELLA GROUP! OH SNAP! that's the goal, anyway. i figure if i'm not singing in a big formal choir, that's my only real option. and i need to be singing, or i'll die. i talked to my friend Bobby who's at tenor in Dicks & Janes. we sang together in the select choir at interlochen, and he knows i know my shit. he says he'll definitely put in a good word if there's an alto opening. i'll have to prepare some pop or broadway song that shows off my range (ha, WHAT RANGE??), and then do some sight-reading. nothing too difficult. i already know half of the group from U Choir, and they know i made it into that without being a music major. i'll audition the first few weeks of school, and then if i get in, we'll rehearse two nights a week. so, we'll see... and then the rest of my time will be spent doing homeworks/studying, lounging around John's room, or partying. i hope to go to all of U Choir's concerts too and say hi to all my friends. my musicology class 'history of opera' is held in the school of music twice a week. i'm forcing myself to still be doing a lot with music. i can't lose touch with that. i want to get tickets to Norma, La Boheme, and Aida, that are all being put on in Detroit this year. i really want John to come with me, but who knows what he's gonna think of all that. i don't care. i'll go to the opera by myself. i really, really want to get tickets to the collage concert, but that'll involve waiting in line for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon. it's not like i haven't sacrificed half of my life already for music. it's just still kind of hard, as a non-music major. so summer's still just good ol' boring summer. work's one mishap after another. i finally had my first big embarassing spill. thankfully it was in the kitchen, and not on some old man or something. while attempting to change out the lemon rice soup, boiling water splashed up on me, and the entire thing crashed onto the floor. i was so shocked. i didn't get burned, and my boss was really thankful for that. he just made one of the cooks clean it up. it was such a Becca thing to do. i only had 2 or 3 tables and was about to leave, so i got to run home and bawl to John on the phone. yes, i cried over spilled soup. leave me alone. ok i'm bored with this entry now. i have a cold and i'm so doped up on sudafed. i'm about to start hallucinating. 'That crazed girl improvising her music. Her poetry, dancing upon the shore, Her soul in division from itself' Current Mood: confused Current Music: natasha bedingfield-these words Tags: what is this thing?

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July 10th, 2005

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June 25th, 2005

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May 11th, 2005

11:23 pm - let your soul stand cool and composed before a million universes Dedicated, in loving memory, to the drama-free days of the life of Christopher Chou DAMMIIITTTT but, it could be worse. I think I've survived the major speed bumps of the summer. -moving to Wixom -finding an awesome job -saying goodbye to my bed That last one just may have been the hardest part thus far. The new house is nice. I am currently in the basement, on the "family computer". We get our wireless hooked up tomorrow, so I can go back to making out with my laptop and the 4,000 songs on it. My room is still a mess. I'll realize I'm missing something out of my closet, run over to Laura's room, and conveniently find it hanging up amidst the sea of Batman tees. Then I spend a good 5 minutes fuming and figuring out terrible forms of revenge. Whoowee. Laura's gonna have a fun summer. Basically EVERYTHING I left in my closet during school somehow made it into her closet. Like she doesn't have enough in her closet already. Shit. I have something in my teeth. Ok, so move to Wixom was successful. My big gorgeous queen sized mattress is now being used by my mother and Earl (her boyfriend) and that pisses me off. I get the twin and I feel like I am going to fall off of it every time I move. I did actually, the other night. Right into a few boxes. Mom says if I want a queen up at school, I pay for the mattress. Lucky for me, they cost way more than anyone would ever imagine a fucking mattress would cost. I am going to make my own, I think. This is bullshit. I'm too high maintenance for a twin bed. So, I get to save up for a mattress, a TV, new speakers for my computer, and $1,600 to get my car fixed. Fuck you, world. Anyhow... The awesome job I found is waitressing at the Honey Tree Grille on M5 and 14 mile. You allll know what I'm talking about. I work nights, 4-5 days a week, so come visit and leave me excessively large tips to show how much you love me. I work with a bunch of crazy foreigners, which is SO much fun. The other waitresses are Romanian, Bulgarian, Polish, blah blah. We've basically got a representative from every country in eastern Europe. They are so cute and helpful. The cooks are Albanian or Mexican...to be honest I really don't know I'm just guessing. The cooks all flirt and throw free food at me a lot. I'm not complaining. I could live off of pita bread I think. My boss, Casey, is from Nepal. He says he is going to teach me Nepalese once I start remembering to put beets on all the Greek salads. That will probably never happen, so I'll stick with German and French for now. I'm making some damn good money. I actually am a very good waitress. I can put up with a lot more shit than I thought I could. I like how it keeps me busy, and the amount I make depends on how much work I'm putting in. That somehow feels more gratifying. As Casey says "You are ok, Rebecca. You do a good job. NOW GREEK DRESSING WITH THIS CARRY OUT! GO! ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM!" I really do like my new job. Yesterday was my first day off in 6 days, so I drove out to Grosse Pointe to be with John. I knew I would miss him, but I actually really really really really really miss him. Like it hurts when I think about how he's not across the building from me anymore. Shortly after arriving home, he was diagnosed with mono and hepatitis. So he's exhausted, his liver's all fucked up, he can't eat solid foods, and the whites of his eyes have turned yellow. The day after he was diagnosed, he was supposed to leave for China with his dad. Needless to say, he is not in China. He is spending day after day on his couch. It makes me sad. I worried excessively for a few days, and then braved the freeways yesterday to see him. Ok, so, we already know I'm clueless. But, WHO THE HELL DECIDED TO MAKE 96 AND 696 SUCH DIFFERENT FREEWAYS? ONE LITTLE NUMBER IS SURE TO CONFUSE SOMEONE! PEOPLE WHO MAKE HIGHWAYS ARE ASSHOLES! I kind of missed the whole finding 696 part of going to GP, and ended up on 275 somehow. I called my mom who said 'Well you're almost in Ohio...maybe you shouldn't be driving' I think she's right. I've done serious highway driving like, 4 times in my life. The only place I really know how to get to is Ann Arbor. I found 696 eventually, but I was pissed and playing Britey Spears really loudly. I hate highways. Seeing John was fabulous. He said he was feeling better while I was there, even though his left gland made it look like he had a golf ball wedged in his neck. I met his mom, and she seemed to like me... That got interesting. John and I spent a good part of the day in his room, with the door closed. Now, I can see how a mother might freak out a little bit about that, but the majority of the time spent in his room was perfectly innocent. We were just hanging out and talking. I miss that so much. Later, after some other very confusing and frustrating events, John and I were driving around GP when Mrs. Malone called and told him to get home and that I wasn't allowed in the house. John was SO pissed. I was hurt and felt like a slutho. So, I just drove home. I listened to sappy love songs and worried...some more. After all, worrying is my forte. Mrs. Malone hates me now and I'm no longer welcome in John's house. He's trapped in his house, she's threatening to kick him out, he's frustrated and all of this emotional trauma is not helping out his illness. I just want to make it all better. The selfish part of me really just wants him to move back to AA for the summer. He would be closer to me, and the Contour can make it to Ann Arbor. I could see more of him. He'll get through this. He knows I'm there for him. Today I unpacked more of my room, worked 5-8, and then met up with people at BDubs. Dave ate chicken like an animal and talked about sex Becca- DAVID YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK ANYMORE! Doig- Say 'yes' if you want sex Dave-...yes...DAMMIT YOU TRICKED ME! Kelsey and Kirsten are such stable individuals in my life. They're like sitcom characters. They never go through any major changes. I do enjoy them a great deal. Steve's friends were all there too. Holy awkward. I sat down and said hi, and they seemed genuinely happy to see me there. Maybe I'll write Steve a letter... After that I took Dave back here and showed him the new house. We hung out with my mom. On the drive home he and I had a heart to heart about college romances and whatnot. To any and all females who would ever, EVER consider breaking David Kazanowski's heart: I will hunt you down and rip you apart with my bare hands. I swear it. Dave's going to be in my life forever, I do believe. Ok now it's time for bed. My life never ceases to amaze me. 'When you sing, I cannot help but smile' -Mariya, from work Current Mood: awake Current Music: lemon jelly-kneel before your god

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April 2nd, 2005

03:35 pm - I love being me "WE'RE ANNE FRANK'IN IT! GET IN THE CLOSETS AND THE ATTIC! HIIIIDE!" Ohhh Seth. How I love thee. Another Linden party last night. My favorite. I saw all the '02 boys that I love, and all the various engineers that I have come to know through the House of Linden. We hung out in the basement, drank, and talked about life and how it's treating us. There was, at one point, three men in the basement at once who have all seen me naked. That was very amusing, and not as awkward as it should have been. (Note: I have not had sex with any of them) As the night went on... -I met the famous Matt "Cheese" who everyone has been attempting to hook me up with. Tall engineer, well dressed, flirtatious, and some mighty fine eye candy. I spent most of the party with him, madeout with him for a bit on the porch, and then eventually decided I had to go find John. I gave him my number. I don't know why. -THE ABOVE STATEMENT IS AN EXAMPLE OF WILLPOWER, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. I HAVE SOME. PRAISE JESUS. -Ally and all of 2nd Little showed up (I kind of got in trouble for that) Katie Mccarroll and I bonded about Polo and Grosse Pointe, and she no longer thinks I'm a skanky ho. -There were guys in the street wearing bath towel capes and pots on their heads... gilan02: we had guys dressed up as knights and american gladiators fighting in the street I guess they were also beating cabs with their gladiator sticks? -Geoff took of Brian's door and tried to take it downstairs to play beer pong. All I saw was a door randomly moving through the party, and someone screaming about finding a bolt. -I got another beer and retreated to Seth's room with Matt. -Guy rolled down the stairs RIGHT into me. Ow. -My sister appeared out of nowhere with V-hovel. Didn't recognize me. Stole my room key and left. -5 minutes later...'Cops just walked in (click)'-Laura -Seth barged in with waaaay too many WLW kids, screamed a few things about hiding, ran into the "sex room", called me a slut a few times (Note: Seth calls me 'slut' more than he calls me Becca. I am actually ok with this, because Seth is fucking retarded.) "Are you scared? I'm 21. I'm ok."-Matt "I don't get scared. Sorry."-Becca -After a good half hour or so of "being Anne Frank", Matt and I retreated out to the porch, the cops had vanished, and the remaining few partiers smashed a few bottles in the street -Matt walked me to Chi Phi to find John. Left him wanting more, chhaaaaaaaaaaaa. -Hoff was passed out in a chair. Nadia and Amanda were there too. Bre "the token high schooler" freaked out about me remembering her name. I love that girl. -Walked back to Markley with John in the rain. I LOVE COLLEGE. I felt that night needed to be remembered. MY ROOM REEKS OF MARIJUANA! OHHHH YESSSS Current Mood: crazy Current Music: the roots-seed 2.0

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April 1st, 2005

01:05 am - do not go gently into that good night I am going to try my damndest to keep this entry short, since I seriously need to catch up on some sleep. But I felt the LJ a'callin'. Procrastination has been my middle name as of late. I'm concerned about my grades. Right now I figure I've got a guaranteed A in German, B+/A- in English, and then Stats...all depends on the final. I'm pulling an A- average for the homework, but the final will be 80% of my grade. I plan on starting to study for the final a week in advance, and locking myself in the library if necessary. So, if I disappear and you see an away message that goes something like 'STATS IS EATING OUT MY SOUL GAAAHHHHH', you'll know I'm hauling some ass. I have to. We've got a new house in Wixom. More specifically, in the infamous monstrosity that they call 'Wexford Mews'. I'll be right across the street from Rachel, and within about 1 mile of half of my graduating class. Great. I can't escape anyone. I have mixed feelings. I got the hardwood floors and the fireplace that I wanted. But it's also so much further from all the things I'm used to. I'm gonna have to find a new place to get my nails done, drive a good 20 minutes to get to Molly's, not have a 711 as convenient, etc. Ech. But, the move in should be exciting. It'll be around May 3rd, and I expect each and every one of you to come help. My mom will probably buy a ton of food, we'll blast annoying pop music, I'll hurt myself carrying something...you all know how the drill goes. I most want to have Kyle, V-hovel, and Jason there. That would make the experience for me. My first order of business in my new room will be to find good locations for my Jim Morrison poster and my journals. Everything else is secondary. It's a Thursday night and there's a party going on next door. I stayed sober tonight, for whatever reason. I spent the majority of the night in John's room, kind of watching 'The Big Lebowski'. Technically, I think I still haven't seen that movie. I don't know what's going on with John and me. Yesterday we went to the mall to get him some new cologne, which is such a girlfriend thing to do. I was for the Burberry London, but we agreed on Dunhill Desire. It's growing on me. I got more underwear. I'm addicted. SARAH, YOU HEAR THAT? I GOT 4 NEW PAIRS OF ABERCROMBIE UNDIES! YOU WOULD FOR SURE APPROVE! I've been spending ridiculous amounts of time with John. He just makes me happy, but in a way I can't readily explain. He and I just think the same with so many things. We're both love Ralph Lauren and are pretentious assholes, so maybe that's it. I know it may come as a shock to many of you that I am quick to judge people...and that I'm slightly conceited... And, I love kissing. And John knows how to kiss. So, why the hell not? Me and my impulses are going to bring about the collapse of the universe. Or maybe that will be the day that I am rational and considerate, but that wouldn't be quite so fun. It's worth it just to see the casual glances he'll give me, when his face melts and his eyes glow. I am the most beautiful thing in his life right now, and I am tempted to believe that nothing about that statement involves the physical. But who really knows. I like making people happy. Last weekend was decent. I got to see Nate on Saturday night, and damn near peed my pants when I tackled him on my father's doorstep. We had dinner at my Dad's, which included a ton of Tomatoes pizza (my favorite) and cuddling. Nate is so comfortable, but I guess that's old news. I love how Nate remains so consistent, but then I realize how much it bothers me when he changes something small. For example, his new girlfriend bought him Aqua di Gio, and he wears it. Nate and cologne? That's like Nate wearing something not from Old Navy. Ahh ahh. I think I just actually cringed. Nate's smell was always just soap + Pantene Pro-V + light sweat. So I wrapped him up in my arms and was slightly taken aback. So, now Nate is another one of the millions of men who swear by Aqua di Gio. Those conforming monkeys. Jimmy actually lay down in my lap for awhile....ok...pause I STOPPED BITING MY NAILS HOLY SHIIIIITTT! Yes, so Jimmy enjoyed the nails and how they felt while scratching his head and back. I haven't gotten that good of a cuddle out of Jimbo in years. He's discovered the ladies these days, and flirts with waitresses. My lil bro is getting so big... Then I of course did the same cuddling for Nate, and we talked about his adventures in Barcelona and Worchester. We talked about music, mostly. Who else can get as exciting about 40-part choral works? He might stay out in Massachusetts for part of the summer. This means that I MUST go visit, hopefully with Laura. That night also included some cruising around in the Subaru, blasting Guster, and singing at the top of our lungs. We hung out at the Pipers for awhile. Ben made me 4 raviolis, which was exciting. Then we all watched Monty Python, Molly showed up, and I was suddenly aware of how drastically things have changed. Not necessarily for the worse. I was sprawled on the Pipers couch with my hair un-did, no makeup, and dirty clothes, which is how I spent half of my senior year basically. Some things haven't changed. I miss Molly a lot too. Who else can rejoice over a plain Gap tee like we can? Molly needs me, and I need Molly. I think we both kind of hate that since we're such independent people. Dependency has been a major weakness in our lives, I think, so we run from that. But when it all comes down to it, I know I can turn to her. After all, I have puked on the girl and she still talks to me. That's a sign of something, right? I then spent a good 3 hours that night on my couch writing in my REAL journal, eating Count Chocula and watching Sex & the City reruns. There are few better things in life. I need some new miniskirts, dammit. And this awesome weather needs to become a consistent thing, I think. I loved seeing the Diag so full of people. I love Ann Arbor and all of the crazy hippies. I just love Ann Arbor, period. It's so beautiful to me. I can't wait to spend next summer here. But, Wixom will have to do for this summer. Alright, my friends. It is time for sleeping. I've had an eventful day. Tomorrow is a Linden Boy party, and I am psyched. Laura is also coming up, so hopefully Ryan and I can convince her to go to that. Then Afternoon Delight on Saturday morning, perhaps. Oh yum. 'What we have here is a dreamer. Someone completely out of touch with reality.' Current Mood: calm Current Music: jem-falling for you

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March 15th, 2005

03:24 pm - MANDIE5307: when is my uterus gonna be like holy shit? LIEBE KINDER Yesterday was absolutely horrendous, and today is making up for it. So, I feel it is a damn good time to write another normal LJ entry. NORMAL = NOT SO DEPRESSING I am not about to apologize for the drama, however, since that is true Boo-fashion. You can suck it if you want to complain. BTPipes22: remember welcome week this year BTPipes22: in the tornado SylviaAmsterdam: yea and i was driving and you were screaming in my ear and threatening to jump out of the car? BTPipes22: haha BTPipes22: thats the time BTPipes22: that was kinda scurry SylviaAmsterdam: dude i remember dropping you off and thinking 'fuck i am so lost and alone' SylviaAmsterdam: those 4 nights were absolutely 4 of the craziest of my life BTPipes22: also, flashback to when we all got stoned and you locked yourself out of your car at seth's house BTPipes22: you provide good memories We really were driving into a tornado. I remember Molly and Dave calling me and saying "Turn around. We're going into the basement of our dorms cuz the sirens just went off." There I was, on the highway, Ben screaming in my ear, trying to figure out what the hell to do. A week earlier Ben had run through a hurricane in his underwear down in Florida, so he was anxious to do the same in a tornado. I was focusing on not dying. You know, last summer really was a damn good time. Sure, I was destructive and running around making out with everyone, but there's not so much wrong with that. Then State's welcome week was in a category all its own. I lost clothes, did a few walks of shame, danced in the middle of Michigan Avenue in the pouring rain at 3 AM, hung out on a fire escape, parked on a few sidewalks, fell down the stairs, did waaay too many U-turns, offered a slurpee to the cops, and wiped out while running into Wilson. 'I LOVE MICHIGAN STATE (slip) (BANG!!!)' I remember how Molly laughed for about 15 minutes straight. I had a bruise the size of my fist for 2 weeks. (<-THAT bruise, however, was nothing compared to the Senior Mosh Pit of Doom bruise, which lasted for about 6 months or something of the like. I remember Nate named it too...) All in all, 4 nights of me living out of my car and sleeping in really random places. I think I actually kicked Dave out of his own bed at one point? Eh, probably. SylviaAmsterdam: i almost got hit by a car SylviaAmsterdam: and fell out of a tree SylviaAmsterdam: how was i in a tree? no idea redrocks1124: lol redrocks1124: welcome to state MSU, I heart you. This summer will also be good, I think, even though I'm going to have to work my ass off. My parents have turned into aliens so I'll probably also have a lot more freedom. Hopefully the Contour will be up and running, or God will send a red Jetta down from heaven because he is a good dude... I'm going to rely more on the former I think. Poor Contour. Second mid-life crisis. Actually more like the eighth, but whatever. Laura was driving it down 696 and the hood randomly flew up. I love my car, but it's possessed and is such a piece. Also, my father is convinced there were people dancing on the roof of it, because there are random dents. Now, if there WERE random gypsies partying on the roof of my car, I'm SURE you're in WLW Drama Program, and I plan on hunting you down and dancing on your fucking car. I really wish Laura hadn't trashed the shit out of it. I'm so good to that car, minus the random accidents that WERE NOT MY FAULT. Grrrrarrr Oh well. I'll hitchhike all summer and end up in a ditch somewhere. C'est la vie. Alright, other news... Last weekend was absolutely reckless. Friday - I worked, came back, cleaned the room and tried to find something decent to wear in a pile of dirty laundry. Polo underneath sweater, so I dress like a kindergarten teacher even when going to parties. At least I'm consistent. Psi U with the girls and Dave & Co, (DAVE CAME TO STAY WITH MEEEE!!!) where I successfully got smashed. Then over to Theta Xi to find John and other random folk. I jumped on people, talked about orgasms, rolled around on a pool table, put pool balls down my shirt, and I'm sure screamed a whole lot. All the brothers there call me 'Frenchy' because they are all confused about which language I speak. WTF? Not that I care. I am anti-frat. There was just nothing going on this weekend so we were forced into the den of conformity. Back to Psi U. Oy. I was right at that point of smashed where I'm sure I was ridiculously annoying. I amused myself by flipping over a leather chair a few times, until John finally made me realize that each time I did that I came close to kicking their big-screen in. Eeek. John was sober and watching out for Drunk Becca, which he does a lot. It pisses me off later when I'm sober, but I guess sometimes I need it. Also, while wandering around the 2nd floor to find Karin and Amanda, I got a banana from some guys room. That got me a lot of attention downstairs, because who wanders through a frat party while eating a banana? And I love my attention. Note to self: more eating random fruit at parties. I've also recently realized that not all men know how to properly grabass. Some men just do not know what they are doing. John is good at it, and it's weird cuz his best friend, Stefan does it the exact same way. Stefan goes to Syracuse, came to visit us all on Friday, and I have a crush on him. He fits "the Becca mold" kind of scarily well. I'm sure right now Rachel is going "Ok well he's tall...". Anyway, he is a good guy and forced his coat on me later that night. Good job on that, Stefanator. Bryan, another token member of this random clique I've wandered into, also came to visit from MSU. Bryan has this beautiful voice that I am all about. He kept talking to me like I was half retarded the whole night. I guess I can see that. I get drunk and people who don't really know me don't know how to react. I think it's like "Wow this girls crazy and I think she has mental diseases too. Ahhh look at her go! It's like watching monkeys try and use sticks!" Maybe I am just flattering myself. I think I spent the rest of the night running into Dave and hugging EVERYONE. Ally showed up, I screamed (I guess it was rather loud) grabber her and ran into the wall. Gave her a bruise too, I believe. "You're kind of the crazy drunk girl who wears polos and runs people into walls."-Addison Then, walking through the snow, a short drive in Bryan's car, and I was back in Markley to tend to drunk girls. Saturday - I woke up to Saturday to find 5 extra people sleeping in my room. Actually I'm not too sure but there were bodies everywhere. I may have slept through the orgy. Dave and Nick spooned on the futon, which is SOOOO BROKEN ARRRAGHGHGHHH. Hoff is angry that his 'Cleopatra Bed' is broken. So am I, considering I bought it. After waking up I threw on dirty clothes + Red Sox hat and went to work. I got yelled at for eating 4 ice cream cones. Mom and Earl took me out to Macaroni Grill, where I told them a lot of drunk stories. My mom is not my mom anymore. She's this random 45-year-old lady who gives me money. So I figure she can hear my drunken tales of wonder. She gave me $60, then I came back to find a party going on in my room. Seriously about 25 people all just chillin, including Katy and Amanda on my bed. That was nice. Amanda kept harassing my Pooh, who is my sleeping buddy and bestest inanimate friend...I think...She has some tattered bear thing she calls Bebe or BB or whatever. We talk about them being lovers, which is "scarring" according to Amanda, since I guess they're both male. "AMANDA, POOH AND BB HAVE BUTT SEX!" "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SHUT THE FUCK UPPP!!!" I grabbed a mixed drink, had Jeff pick out my outfit, and I was ready to rock. That night was even crazier. I think that happens when I wear heels. Damn you Jeff. I went with all the 5th Fisher girls to SAE, stole some beer and smoked some cherry Djarums (those are my latest favorite thing). My ahh-these-are-shady-ass-frat-guys instinct kicked in, so I grabbed Liza and ran. We then party hopped to 3 different crazy houses. I saw a ton of people I knew, danced a lot, accidentally elbowed some girl in the face, and stole spices from some cabinet. I decided that putting spices into peoples drinks when they weren't looking would be fun. I honestly don't know. Who does that? 'Here want some cinnamon with your screwdriver?' That didn't last too long since I ran into Matt & Joe, the CUTEST gay couple ever. They're both gorgeous men, total assholes, and hilarious. Liza and I chilled with them for awihle. Gay men turn me on. Weird, I know, but I think it's because I can't have them. We somehow made it back to Markley, and I spent the rest of the night taking care of drunk crazies. Karin was puking and unable to talk really, Amanda was rolling around on the floor of the hall, Lisa was facedown in a bean bag, Nadia was covered in permanent marker, Katy couldn't even keep her shoes on... I love 5th Fisher. Liza and I did our best, but I was also really drunk. I fell asleep on Amanda's sandals. Sunday - Katy and Karin were still drunk at brunch. My hair was going in at least 6 million different directions. Amanda and I boycotted showering and went out. I spent an hour in David's Books (hellloooo used books I laaaahhhvee youuuu) and then got some Starbucks. Used books stores are so amazing to me. All of those books have stories. ... Ok, well, I just read that sentence, and realize how fucked it is, but try and see what I'm getting at here. You have no idea where that book has been. Who read it? Who bought it? Who accidentally rolled out of bed one morning and woke up naked on it? That's just me, but still, if my mother ever sells her copy of John Grisham's 'The Chamber' to a used book store, someone else will be reading a book that I was alllll nude over. Lucky bastards. Well, that's about it for meine Wochenende. Damn good times. Saw a lot of people I don't normally. Kate, Amy, and I are starting our power hour at 2 on Thursday. WHO'S A GOOD LIL IRISH GIRL? It is time to go eat dinner with John and Ralph. Fish and spaghetti. Holy shit. I'm excited. 'GO CRAZY WITH THE CHEEZ WIZ!' Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: the postal service-clark gable

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March 10th, 2005

01:07 am - your greatest fear will be the rescue of me I secretly pray that no one reads this. It's 2 AM, I'm high, and there's really nothing else to do or no one I especially want to be with right now. So much has changed, so much is changing, and so much will change. I know "changes are a part of life" blah blah etc., but I'd have to say the past few months have smacked me upside the head repeated times. My well being has whiplash. But it's nothing that won't pass too quickly. Bring it, world. Our house sold on Monday. We have 30 days, and my mom's just started looking. I've never been very close to that house. I've never really been close to any house, actually. I've had some good memories in it, but just as many bad memories. It wasn't somewhere I often hung out. My stepdad growled at anyone who got close enough, as most of you know. I used my room to sleep, have late night phone conversations with random boys I called, and to get dressed. Nothing was relaxing about that house. My dad's house, the Pipers, and the Walled Lake Western Choir Room are relaxing. That last one not so much anymore, for obvious reasons. No big emotional loss there. It was just the whole finality of the situation. All of my things are in storage and my mom's taking my bed. That alone weirds me out. My stepdad's a wreck about not seeing Laura or me anymore. I'm sure he is about mom, but he's nothing but hostile to her these days. It hurts, and is not making things any easier. The one and only night I was home over break he was so genuinely happy to see me. I couldn't talk to him without tearing up, so I locked myself in the music room. And, for the record, Dave and Globerman are amazing friends. I requested hard wood floors and a fireplace in our new house. And a puppy eventually. This summer will be the only time ever I live in it, so my mom's not taking me too seriously. Honestly, I don't care. I'll sleep on the fucking couch. I just need to work. A lot. Like, 9 different jobs so I can stay at U of M. Then, the rest of my summer will be spent in the sun. Hopefully out on Wolverine Lake on Dave's boat, picnicking at Kensington with Nate, cruising around with the girls doing nothing, or laying in my backyard with a good book. I cannot wait for Tiki Night at Alise's and Dave's. Lizzy's coming up, which means that I once again get to spend Fourth of July with her. My favorite holiday, once again, will be spectacular. School is amazing. I love it here. The people make me so happy. I try to avoid the fact that we only have 6 more weeks. Going back "home" is going to break my heart. Karin and I are continuing to work well together. We got so lucky. It could be the fact that we're both ridiculous party animals, but I think it's more than that. I love looking at our closets. Mine is dark. Hers is light. I also love symbolism, and what that says about me. C'est la vie. Break was most excellent. Seeing Lizzy was...too nice almost. We blasted Modest Mouse, drove around St. Louis, got pedicures, talked about economics and politics, partied, shopped for nice tops and big sunglasses, and argued about stupid things. My last night there neither one of us could really sleep. We lay there in her bed, in the dark, and talked. By far, the best part of my trip. Most of our conversation was done without words. I can say one short sentence and she'll immediately understand ten that I haven't said. I noticed how we did that across the room at a party. One casual glance would tell me so much. That's when I really know I need someone in my life, I think. When I can love them solely based on what's not said. It's scary. I just wish she weren't so far away. But perhaps that's why we're so strong together. Then I went up north to John's place for the rest of the week. I slept way too much, and ate more junk food than ever should be eaten. But I was completely at ease with the world. I guess it was John. He makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. It's funny looking at how my sister and mother are reacting to all of this. Laura has Mike. Mom has Earl. I, of course, would be the last to admit that I am dependent on a man. But John's been there for me through this entire ordeal. I don't know what I would do without him. Nor can I really say why he and I so suddenly became such close friends. I guess I prefer it that way. It's as if he just appeared one day, said 'I'm going to take care of you', and then proceeded to do so. I really don't think he's going anywhere. I really hope he doesn't. I've got enough to worry about. I'm still lonely. I'm so lonely it actually physically aches sometimes. I don't think about it a lot, but when I do it twists inside of me. I wish that could make sense. My dad looks at me and understands, I think. He'll casually ask me if I'm seeing anyone new, and I once again remind him that I enjoy scaring boys away by simply being myself. He really wants to see me happy, because I think he knows how it feels. My mother is the polar opposite of me, however, and could never understand how I operate. She just observes. He'll look at me sometimes and it's so sad, it's almost pity. There's nothing I can do, but feel. It's takes me a long time to get to sleep. I think of what it would be like to find someone. Alright, I must sleep. Tomorrow brings the beginning of the weekend. Friday night brings David, half of Michigan State, and John's best friend. I plan on it being absolute craziness, and John and I have already predicted that I will probably die while playing in traffic. The partying has gotten a bit out of control, I admit. I find myself longing to get fucked up in any way possible. I downed half a fifth on Sunday night and then fell asleep. Yes, maybe it's a way of avoiding my depression, but I'm not doing anything too crazy. I'm not hooking up with random guys, puking, passing out, or even forgetting anything. Maybe I should be. Who knows? I've almost finished Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead", which is blowing my mind in so many different ways. I'd recommend it to anyone. Then Kelly can have his book back, and I can go start Atlas Shrugged. Literature is better for me than Bacardi Razz, me thinks. Goodnight moon. Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined. -Thoreau Current Mood: confused Current Music: rooney-shakin'

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January 30th, 2005

03:43 am - psychobabble I am haldf drunk " DO YOU KNOW WHO MARY MARKLEY WAS? SHE WAS A FUCKING COMMUNIST! MY DAD HAD TO MAKE SUREI WAS STILL REPUCBLICAN!" -K-dawg, my roommate annndd... Karin's saying fucked up thinkgs about communism. Our dorm is in fact named after a communist. NOT HELPING ALLTHIS RAGING LIBERALISM AROUND HERE NOT TAHT I"M COMPLAINING. I adore karin. she leaves for Paris soon, then amanda moves into the 5216 with me. Tonight was good, but I just had to document a few ky things that Kate and i had a heartto heart about, so when i forget to morow i can come back to my Lj. Sex - i decided that that IS getting high of someone elses body. like their skin and sweat chemicals and just the entire experience. BANG. THAT"S A FORM OF HIGH. I like your body and the way you feel when you hit my lips thanks. I mean, you lose contorl cuz you give into your hormones. Take a bowl and pack it with your animalisitc insticnts. Put it in pill form. Snort it. Shoot up your lust. Make the conscious decision to keep that, keep THEM, runing through your veins. Basically the same thing. You recall the initial impact both times. When you decide to just give up to yourself...to them... Then you're gone. you're a part of teh billions that came before you who gave in to that exact same thing, weakened by the idea of a change inside of themselves. You're jsut another weak human, clinging to something for the precious minutes it helps you to escape your realiy. In the end, I decide that sex beats out drugs on all accounts, as far as how dangerous it is. Sex messes with you moreso emotionally. An Addiction to someONE rather than a substanc drives you more than anyone sles could. That's what i fear. Resigning yourself to an addiction that intense. But theny ou bypass the euphoria. hhhmmmm oh geez what ami saying. I hae no idea waht i'm talkin about. i'm young and intoxicated and jaded. I think I"m done with sex for awhile. It's a drug for me. I think it would just be interesting ot see where i'd channel my energy if it weren't solely coming out sxually. Or maybe i'll swing the other way. Destroy everything. End up with some STDs and an intense hatred for all things male. Notice I never one mentioned love. I think I reject the idea of love and sex combined. It freaks me out. If i were ever in love and then had sex I think I would just pass out. Slip into a coma. I also decided last night that I enjoy jealousy. On all sides. It motivateds like no other. But I only like jealusy when i eventually win in the end. I think that's acros the board with humankind though. Also, we talked about Grosse pOint. I can't excape those peopel. First JOhn and then this army of Grosse POinte South girls have adopted me. And then kate, who in fact did say "Becca you're more Grosse Pointe than I am and I grew up ther" Um I don't know how to analyze taht so i'll let it sit right here on the shelf next to the other profoun things peopel say when I'm compromised. I've been to Grosse Point 1.5 times. I am not Novi. I'm San Fransisco, I'd have to say. Kate's cool. We have drunken heart to harts after shots of Bacardi. We like to complain a lot. Kate and I remind each other that we've all got issues. Life sucks for aeveryone sometimes. EVERYONE. But I've decided taht I'm done being upset about anything for too long. I"m having too much damn fun to think that I'm lonely. I'm so bored I'm sarting to play mindgmaes on myself. I want someone who can beat me at my own game. Well it's a lonely road that you have chosen Morning comes and you don't want to know me anymore And it's a long time since your heart was frozen Morning comes and you don't want to know me anymore For a moment your eyes open and you know All the things I ever wanted you to know I don't know you, and I don't want to Till the moment your eyes open and you know Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: keane - your eyes open

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January 25th, 2005

02:55 pm - well maybe I failed to fill my birth control this month. May have prompted this rush of hormones. I apologize in advance for this next entry. 'studying three term polyatomic chemical reactions for the allotropic hydrogen molecular compounds, reviewing some german and french baroque pieces for voice, brushing up on perfect competition and how it relates to monopolistic and oligopolistic markets, reading about ethical standards and mass mediums, and then topping it off by memorizing both the 3rd and 7th movement of the Verdi Requiem!' I think that simply reading that away message can explain why Lizzy is my best friend. I am just beginning to realize how incredibly numb I've become. I'm at war with my life right now. I don't know if numb's the correct word, but I think that I can depend on my vocabulary enough to entrust this feeling to that word. I also definitely think my newfound insomnia is making me think way too much. At 4:30 AM last night I was reviewing state capitals just to bore myself into sleep. It didn't work, and I think I've effectively blocked out all of 3rd grade, because I know jackshit. I've yet to decide whether or not this is a positive thing. I guess those of you who spent half of high school screaming at me to "chill the fuck out" (mostly about my grades, mind you) could see this to be a good thing, but I've always prided myself on being able to feel so much more than the average person. Justified or not, that's the conclusion I've come to. Those who stay on a level plane 24/7 don't get as high or as low as I seem to have gotten throughout my life. I like to think it makes the experience that much more intense, but I'm losing touch with it. Struggling to re-define yourself is an exhausting pursuit, for the record. I kind of flew through the majority of my adolescence addicted to my own tears, and it's not working the same way in college. It's like they've begun to bore me, as if I've become immune to my own endorphins. It worries me. I'm desperate to latch onto the next exciting thing. I may just start doing heroin. Maybe it's the body's defense mechanism. How skin grows back tougher, maybe that's my heart right now, but not from relationship hearbreak like the majority of exhausted lovers. I'm a product of my surroundings. I've had countless friends cry all over me after they've gotten their hearts broken. I'm currently taking on divorce #2, and getting to see what havoc it's wrecking on my mother. And, yes, in some ways that is very sad. But I'd rather have it this way. Whoever is the first to get through to my heart will have to had genuinely committed themselves to that journey. If I can find someone who is willing to fight that much for me, then I will know it's worth it. So now I'm 19. And I can't wait for the rest of my life to begin. I'm on the verge of something beautiful. When I fall in love, the earth will shake. Positive thing. I just decided. I've got to stay optimistic or I'll cease to function. 'Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you But time makes you bolder...' Current Mood: lonely Current Music: joseph arthur-honey and the moon

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January 12th, 2005

07:20 pm I love my life. For my 19th birthday, next Thursday, I requested a huge chocolate syrup wrestling match in the courtyard of Markley, my dorm. The pool is already ordered, and they're picking up 30 gallons tonight from some kid who is in the mafia. All the girls in my hall are freaking out, as is most of Markley. The winner will receive "THE MARKLEY CUP". I vote that it's rigged so I automatically win cuz it's my birthday. I plan on taking on my friend Hoff, 6'4" and 275 pounds, while wearing a tiara, a sports bra, and boxers. Who the hell cares if we freeze or look like hookers. We're going to be too busy making history to give a shit. I fucking RULE. In other news, since I haven't updated since the early 90's... -I dumped Steve. Remember me sucking at commitment? Yea, nothing new there. Hopefully we can stay friends, but his heart must heal first. -I managed a 3.575 for my first semester here, with 18 credits and still keeping up the social life. Eat that. This semester will be even better. -Lizzy visited this weekend. We partied hardcore with my girls, Dave, Globerman, and half of Ann Arbor. She experienced all the wonders of U of M, which included Pancheros at 3 AM, group naps on Saturdays, Afternoon Delight breakfast with the boys, shopping spree at Steve & Barrys, watching Seth Kahle ski down his stairs (I'm so not even kidding. It was amazing and he didn't die.), a 5:30 AM fire drill with drunk girls in flip-flops running amok, a late night ice cream run, snowball fighting, and then finally, a full day of classes with moi. She learned some Stats, German, and then sight-read the 3rd Movement of the Brahms Requiem with me in choir. I have the best BEST FRIEND in the whole wide world. I'll hopefully get down to Mizzou for Spring Break, then she'll come up for Tiki Night in July. -my boobs have significantly gotten larger. They are now full A's/almost B's...maybe. I am very, very proud of myself. If you're laughing, you can go die. -I'm living with crazy West Bloomfield kids next year. I am way, way too excited. 532 Walnut. Go up the stairs and all the way to the right, and there I'll be. -My mom and step-dad are getting a divorce. I walked in one night and found her sleeping on the couch. I have to go home this weekend to pack up my room so JC can re-paint it so we can sell the house. I already tore down everything on my walls, including the entire 'Got Milk?' collection. So, now I will officially not have a home. I'm trying my hardest to be strong about this, for my mother's sake. But also, home for me doesn't need to be a physical place. I have people that love and care about me, and that feels more like home. This needed to happen. My mom'll get a condo, date other guys, find her place in the world. Now, I might need to move in with someone this summer. Anyone want a Becca hanging around their house? I'll do the dishes! Divorce #2. I should be a pro by now. -CAREER OPTIONS: teaching English to upper level students in Germany/Austria or being a stripper. I really am leaning toward a German major. I love the program here, I'm damn good at it, and every day I feel the need to get the hell out of the U.S. I fantasize about living in a teensie apartment in Vienna filled with great literature, wine, and then just traveling everywhere. I've had enough of American hypocrisy, arrogance, ignorance, and stupidity. So, instead of staying here and complaining, I'm getting out. Please respect that. I want to see things happen, so I'm going to go do that. Maybe do some mission work in the summers. I just feel the need to start giving back. K. Time to go study me some Deutsch. Peace out kiddies. Current Mood: sleepy Current Music: the shins - new slang

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